


Weeks worth of pain

by Unholyravioli



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: I wrote this instead of updating, I'm Sorry, I'm so tired, M/M, Suicide, Very OOC, i was feeling angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-17 01:02:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16506230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unholyravioli/pseuds/Unholyravioli
Summary: I'm really bad at summarizing, but here we go.Evan Hansen was in a bad place, Connor left, he quit therapy. What more could he do wrong?





	Weeks worth of pain

**Author's Note:**

> God, I was feeling really angsty last night and wrote this all in like ten minutes, I apologize for it being so short but I didn't want to drag it out for too long.  
> I was listening to the song "The Freshmen" on repeat while writing this, so I put my blame on that song

It’s a strange feeling, trying to take my life with my own medication. Maybe I was never meant for more than this, or maybe I was, but whatever the case may be, I don’t care.

Connor won’t be too happy about this, that may be an understatement. I couldn’t care less though. 

My therapist always told me to tell him if my meds weren’t enough to keep the emotions at bay, but I gave up after a while. I gave up on seeing him, on listening to him. I gave up on trying to make it work with Connor.

We had a falling out about two weeks ago, I was mad at him because he wasn’t caring about anything at all, not even me. I was still trying then, I still wanted to keep going, but really, Connor was the only thing keeping me on track. He got mad at me because apparently I was being a hypocrite and that I clearly gave up.

I hadn’t.

So here I am now, sitting on the floor of my room, like any other day. Except not really, so I pick up a pen and a notebook off my bedside table and write my last words, something I thought I wouldn’t have to do.

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen and everyone who ever entered your life, _

It was a weird feeling, writing those words.

_ You tried, didn’t you. _

_ Clearly not enough because here you are, dead by the time anyone may or may not read this. _

_ I’m sorry mom, I really didn’t mean any of this, I didn’t actually want this for myself. I guess it just happened. _

_ And Connor, neither asked for the pain the two of us went through. But we got it anyway, didn’t we? You were a shitty person, but I guess I loved you. I still do, I won’t ever stop loving you. _

_ Jared, I almost am tempted to not say anything, but it’s great, it’s fine. It’d be a dick move of me to leave you out of the last thing I’ll ever do, so here we are. Have fun living without me as an inconvenience. _

_ -Evan _

It’s a short list, but it’s done

I want to do more, so I call Connor… it goes to voicemail. I leave a message that I know he probably won’t ever listen to and close my eyes. 

I can feel the meds kicking in, it’s about time isn’t it? I’ve been wanting this since the summer before my senior year.

I can take a few more breathes, it’s not hard, so I do. I breathe in and out, exactly how I was always instructed to do when having a panic attack.

I’m calm, a lot calmer than I probably should be in this situation, but I am. I open my eyes, my vision is a little blurry. It’s fine though, just my body taking in the overdose. 

I finally close my eyes for the last time and take my last breath, just how I thought it would play out. 

Alone and broken

**Author's Note:**

> I'll update my other story eventually, I'm at a loss for how to continue it. But I will.


End file.
